Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I think my fart just growled at me.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
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