just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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