I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
