Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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