I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Randomize
