somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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