my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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