Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
