Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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