There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
