Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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