I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
