yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
