Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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