Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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