you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Damn victory sex feels great
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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