Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
false alarm. still invincible.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
