we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
