I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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