My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
