I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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