I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
