Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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