I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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