You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
