Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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