So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
