I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
