I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
