It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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