wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
This is the prime rib incident all over again
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize