My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
