What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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