i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
