Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
