peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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