That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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