the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
