fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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