u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
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