sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
