the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
