You don't have asthma, your pregnant
did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
