I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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