im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
