I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
