Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
