since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
