I accidentally burped into my bong.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
