dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
