Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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