my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
