That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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