He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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