Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
