I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
