my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Randomize
