I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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