I don't usually arrange sex via text message
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
