if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
